For the longest time, I have done my darnedest to avoid uncomfortable feelings—hurts like sadness, anger, loneliness, fear, shame, guilt and hurt itself. People-pleasing became my mantra. I was oblivious to the gifts of those feelings, but I am learning to embrace them instead of shunning them. Compassion for others, and self-compassion, call for listening to the messages within the pain, addressing them, and continuing the journey.
I’m
grateful, for instance, that I can feel pain, so that when I accidentally touch
my hand to a hot burner, I will quickly remedy the situation to keep from doing
major harm. The same goes with these
painful feelings—they tell us there’s something wrong that needs attention.
I don’t
like the pain I am feeling when I think of the friends I am leaving behind here
in Nashville. But thank God for the
pain! It tells me that I am leaving
people who are valuable to me, whom I love dearly, who have made an important
impact on my life. And the flip side of
that coin says, like Chip Dodd proclaims, I hope at my funeral, people come in
throngs to wail, beat their chest from grief and cry aloud because they will
miss me! It will mean my life has had
meaning and purpose, that I mattered to folks!
Chip,
who wrote The Voice of the Heart, and
my precious friend and professional helper Janina Tiner, introduced me to this
understanding. Here’s a small bit of his wisdom:
Hurt is the emotional and spiritual
experience that tells us we are feeling emotional and spiritual pain. In healthy relationships there is a
willingness to allow someone to feel their own pain, because we have genuine
regard, concern and love for that person.
Harm, which we often confuse with
Hurt, occurs when we emotionally and spiritually wound another in order to
prevent feeling the pain in our own hearts.
It is most often exhibited when we cross the boundaries of another
without genuine regard, concern or love for that person.
Sadness speaks directly to our need to
grieve when someone or something is lost.
Through grief, we find comfort and deeper wisdom, and in the acceptance
of the loss, we find healing.
Self-pity, on the other hand, which feels
similar to Sadness, is a way to escape the pain of sadness by trying to make
others feel sadness for us.
Anger is possibly the most important
feeling we experience as emotional and spiritual beings, because it’s the first
step to authentic living. It helps us
pursue full life by exposing the substance, desires and commitments of our
hearts with passion for justice.
Authentic anger means you really care.
Rage, however, is a toxic acting out
with an intent to harm, lashing out at others, based in fear, by the
perpetrator, who wants to avoid taking responsibility for their feelings by
blaming others. Anger is based in concern
and caring, believe it or not!
And so
it goes. These are the eight feelings in
a nutshell: Hurt, Loneliness, Sadness,
Anger, Fear, Shame, Guilt and Gladness.
Yep, only one obviously positive feeling. I also bet you’re asking “Where’s Love on this list?” Love is an entity unto itself, as it is both
feeling and action. Love = Gladness + Compassion.
You can’t have Love without the mixture combining awareness/acceptance
and action, and yes, it’s the solution to every hurt, every disagreement, every
estrangement. It’s simply too big to fit
on a simple feelings list!
I’m
extremely enamored with this paradigm, and I plan to write a lot about how this
psychological understanding, which has evolved from a long line of great
teachers, blends so beautifully with Christian spirituality. I would cherish your prayers in this endeavor,
and expect to put pencil to paper soon from a mountaintop near Charleston, the
new view from my desk to come!
Grace
and joy,
Julie
PS—West End’s
copies of the July-August edition of The Upper Room arrived today. Check out the devotion for July 16. You might recognize the author!
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